darling.

musicmusicmusic.
i replay the pitch of your voice
manically excited, unreasonably angry, contentedly numb
addictive in every way

and i cycle through the phases of your pupils
as predictable as the moon
you're there
you're gone
you're coming back
you're defensive
you're ashamed
you're real ohmygod you're so real

i never saw your eyes after you weren't real anymore

and i'm losing my grip on a reality that i would rather not take part in
again
and these letters making words seem foreign and strange
my silly thoughts strung together
in a -heart on the floor, your foot baring down on it
CRUSHing it- kind of way
forced, like my optimism for the day

my dirty fingers on the computer keys click clacking 
trying to spill out something to, at the very least, convey some type of progressive emotion
but, my heart, i write to you
and you were crushed under that mighty foot so long ago
and i don't know if you can hear me, but i can't scream any louder
good god, you're so far away
and i don't think i can go on
if i can't find a voice big enough to carry all the way
to you


i'm insatiable, because you're unreachable


you were an artist in every sense of the word
the world was your canvas
your skin, your amazing skin
a wrinkled napkin,
your dirty converse shoes,
your tattered jeans (too big and you loved to steal my belts),
the people you loved and the people who loved you
and now you're frozen in time
there's not enough material here for the home movie i wanted to play in my head when look back on my life
i need another few decades at the very very least

i can't find my breath
and i'm unresponsive, flat-lining
and you aren't here to care.
you aren't here to care.

i want to curl up in a ball and disappear inside myself
because you'll never stroke my curved spine again
like we did when we complimented each other on
being skinny and "having self control"
(you liked my hipbones and i liked your shoulder blades)
# thisisuswinning

# thisismesinking
oh this is me forgetting how to swim
i can't breathe because
my lungs are as weak and black
as this morning's left-over coffee
cold and bitter, that i'm still sipping
and i swear if these dogs wake up the "baby" (he'll always be our baby, right?)
i'll open that beer
and no one will disapprove, because it's only one beer and it's already four in the afternoon


::
i am sad, i am sad, but when i am happy, oh god, i'm happy
(you are still here, you are still happy. you are still smiling and laughing)
there's just no place in between for us to meet
(you are still the only thing and everything i need in my life.)
when i am sad, oh god, i'm sad
::

sporadic sleep patterns have returned.
did they ever really leave?
no.
you did, though.

my body is beyond exhausted, but my mind refuses to let it rest.

i want to be able to see a future for myself, for my family.
but it's hard when you're consumed by what you've lost.

chocolate covered cherries and red hots reminded me of daddy last night as i stood in the check out line.
everything reminds me of you.

i miss you. both.

i think i had more to say.

your dog is barking.

and your sons are awake. and they all miss you. and you'll never see the amazing people they're going to become. and that makes me beyond angry. furious. sad. rageragerage.

numb is so much better than this.

Panic in the bathroom.
Yeah, I've been crying in the tub again.
Shower last time, this one a bath.

We fell in love in a bathtub.
That was part two of the process.
The first part of the process was in a retarded tree.
God, you're so perfect.
I think you're in my ipod right now.

I miss you so much my throat has started constricting again, it's been several days in a row.
I think it's coming back around.
It always will, won't it?
You'd be okay for a while.
But it always came back around.
That wave of utter panic, fear, anxiety.
A fear of complacency? Is that what it is?

I only have two anxiety pills left.
My chest hurts.
I'm waiting for it. The mellow wave.
"Comfortably numb."

We strung popcorn and made garland for the tree.
I started thinking about you.
All of your favorite songs played.
All of our favorite children were there.
Every element we needed to be happy together was there.
But you weren't.
Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes came on Pandora.
I haven't felt at home since you died.
Home truly was where ever there was you.
My children are my home now, but they'll have their own homes one day.
I hope I find you by then, love.
I don't want to feel so lost.

Panic in the bathtub.
I bathed with you.
I felt your eyes on me.
I ran through every memory of you, of us that I could find that I was afraid might be slipping away.


The way you touched me in the mornings. Petting me, caressing me. Half asleep. Linus does that now. He pets me. He plays with my hair. He nuzzles against my face.


The way I felt when we woke up the morning after having your arm stitched up and knowing that it was you again.
Putting you to bed that night before. Soothing you. Calming you. Calming myself with you. "It's going to be okay. We will figure out how to make you better."


TV in the tub. Or youtube surfing. You'd watch stuff I didn't care about. Vice versa. I care. I care. Come back and show me. Show me anything. Tell me anything. I care so much. And when I acted like I didn't...It was just because I knew you'd always be there with what I needed to know. I didn't have to remember all of the songs or band names or history facts or vaccine ingredients or trivia facts or the plethora of other knowledge you were packed with.


Getting excited about our garden together. Bringing things to life together in a legit way. We were good at that. Our children are pretty amazing, after all.


Watching you on the webcam with the kids. You and Milo and Linus were blowing kisses like crazy. You had your hat on. Button up shirt partly unbuttoned, showing off your skinny torso. You were so pretty, baby. You were so pretty, baby. You're so pretty. I'm not so pretty these days. I don't know why I fool myself into thinking I care if I'm pretty. You aren't here to be pretty or cute for.


I thought about so many things. Good, bad, all amazing. I begged God to bring you back to me and I warned him that you better be in one piece. I want every amazing piece back. You were you and you were mine and I want you back. This patience bit SUCKS. I have none.

Sometimes I wonder why it won't pass. Other times I'm glad it doesn't. I don't ever want to forget. It just makes it so hard to live. So hard to breathe.


I miss you, terribly. I can relate almost any word to you. To a memory of you. I bought you Honey BBQ Fritos Twists when I picked you up to go Christmas shopping with the group. We'd talked about them on instant messenger the night before. You pinned the bag to your wall. How could I have not fallen in love with you? You pinned the greasy chip bag that I purchased to your wall!

I made sure I picked you up first to allow for a little alone time. You were adorable. You were so nervous. You were so endearing. You were absolutely magnetizing.

So, fuck the chip aisle. Dipping your pretzels in mustard with Kennedi. Corn chips and guacamole. Salsa. Freaking Doritos.

Coffee. Cheese toast, then Daiya toast. Or Daiya melted on anything really. Pizzas. Pizzas, baby, pizzas. Avocados. Mushrooms. Onions. Tomatoes. Sandwiches in general. You weren't a big fan of peanut or other nut butters. Potatoes, though. Loved. We made the most amazing food together.

We could be so whole together. So right. We complimented each other in so many ways that I never realized until recently. You usually knew exactly what I needed, whether it was affection, to be sang to and danced with, chopped up tomatoes, the oven preheated, my back popped, or a drag of your cigarette even though I'd "quit". I rarely had to finish sentences when were together in our zone.

I wish you could have seen that. I wish I could have been calming to you... as a constant in your life and a source of love. I was too dependent in believing that you were that for me. I've forgotten how to self-soothe. Our children all have their nervous little habits that help keep them grounded. I need you for that.

Zac, I love you.

Come back soon.


::
Oh the warmth in your eyes swept me into your arms
Was it love or fear of the cold that led us through the night?
For every kiss your beauty trumped my doubt
::

::
Why did you come if you can't stay forever?
How could you leave me all alone on this earth?
Who was I before you?
I can't remember.
Why couldn't I have been the one to leave here first?

I love you, but goodbye.
I love you, but goodbye.
::

I'm leaving.  I'm leaving this town.  I'm leaving our home.  I'm leaving it all behind.  I'm going to make a new life for myself and for our children.  I'm going to focus on myself and on them.  We're going to grieve and heal together.  I'm going to make my own way on my own terms. 

I'm thankful for my friends, for people who have helped me and for those who are going to help me.  I'm thankful for your family.  I hope I will always be able to call them my family.  I'm going to miss them so much.  I'm going to be an aunt.  You're going to be an uncle.  I'm pretty excited.  I wish the baby would have been able to meet you.  I wish that everyone would have had the privilege of knowing you, of basking in your beauty and your mind.  You're gorgeous, darling.  I know you're okay.  I know you want us to be okay.  I miss you.  I'm scared of leaving you behind with everything else that I'm leaving, but our boys are you.  I see you in everything.  I love you. 

I talked with Kennedi for a long while about you today.  She had a lot of questions and a lot of tears.  She wanted to know why we couldn't fix you.  I don't have an answer for that. 

I drove to town today.  I took Old Hillsboro Road and crossed over 21 where you had the wreck.  I remember how thankful I was that you were alive after the wreck.  My greatest fear for nearly seven years has been that I would lose you.  I was afraid that you would die.  Now, I've lived through my worst fear and I'm not afraid anymore.  I'm empty and I'm hurt, but I'm not scared.  You're okay.  You're finally okay. 

I can't wait to see you again.  I'm scared of doing the single mom thing in a new place.  I'm scared of being overwhelmed.  I'm terrified, but I'm optimistic.  I want to talk to you.  I want to see you.  I want to feel you.  I want the children to know you.

Milo was reading to Linus the other day.  He was reading him a book called, "I Miss You, Father Bear."

The book ended with Little Bear smiling because he knew Father Bear would be home soon.  Milo told Linus that the book had a happy ending, but that they would never have a happy ending because their father was never coming home.

That hurts my heart big time.  But, it makes me all that much more determined to give them happiness. 

Wish me luck, sweet boy.  I'll try my best to do right by our children.  They love you.  I love you.  We miss you. 

I'll see you on the other side.

::
What are we here for?
Who makes the decision?
For every beginning there must come an end.
I want to thank you, Honey, for all that you've given.
I want to thank you.
I want to thank you for being my friend.

I love you, but goodbye.
::

and they all taste the same.

what's happening?
big things.
big things, i say.

going to make my way on my own two feet.
that's what i'll do.
that's what i'll do.
and it will be so sweet.
and neat.
and... elite...?

i like to eat.
what a treat.
sorry, i'm finished.
yeaaaaaah.

( :

::
chaos and commotion where ever i go.
love, i try to follow.
love will come and set me free.
::